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  • tell me your best joke story....

    ‎Marry an Aussie gal....she's a REALLY fine "Sheila"....and then....!!

    3 guys marry.
    1st man marries a Greek gal.
    Tells her to do the dishes & clean.
    Took a couple of days, but day 3 he has clean house, dishes done.

    2nd man marries a Thai chick.
    Tells her to do cleaning,dishes,cooking, mow lawn.
    1st day nothing, 2nd day better, 3rd day perfect.

    3rd man marries an Aussie babe.
    Tells her to cook/clean/ wash & mow yard.
    Day 1 & 2 he sees nothing,
    day 3 swelling has eased on head & some sight in left eye returning, arm is almost able to make a sanga & clean up......
    ......Still having a lotta trouble pissing though.....

  • #2
    Blonde chick ....at the doctor's office

    AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

    A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

    'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

    The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

    The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

    'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

    'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

    Comment


    • #3
      Blonde chick....car trouble...!

      CAR
      TROUBLE

      A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
      mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

      She says, 'What's the story?'

      He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

      She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

      Comment


      • #4
        a young Indian brave walks up to his father and asks him, father why did you name my brother what you did? well the father replies, when your brother was born i seen a soaring eagle so i named him soaring eagle. the young brave then asks, why did you name my sister what you did? the father replies, when your sister was born i seen a running fawn so i named her running fawn. so why do you ask shitting dog?

        Comment


        • #5
          IN MEMORY OF BOB!!!!!!!!!!!!
          Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !" The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday...

          Comment


          • #6
            The BIG GOLF TOURNAMENT IN HEAVEN!!

            So Jesus and Moses are playing in a big golf tournament in HEAVEN.
            All in the party are at the 18th and All are tied score for the tourney!
            One good stroke oughta win it!!!
            So Jesus tees it up and smacks it about 250yds and PLOP! right in the friggin water!!
            Bummer!
            So then Moses tees it up and whacks it good about 255, but PLOP! right in the friggin water, too!!
            Double Bummer!
            So then the next guy steps up to the tee and blasts it out there about 260, and it’s headed right for the friggin water like the other strokers, when all of a sudden, just before the ball hits the water, a big fish jumps outta the water and catches the ball in his mouth, and then all of a sudden a huge bird flies down and grabs the fish and flies off with it…..right toward the green…..
            Well the fish is wriggling around in the bird’s talons trying to get away when suddenly the bird drops the fish……. ON THE GREEN about 2ft from the pin, his mouth opens, and the ball rolls right in the cup!
            A HOLE IN ONE!
            Jesus turns and says…”Uh ..nice shot…Dad…you WIN…!

            Comment


            • #7
              along those lines

              A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it," the nun said.
              "When did you use this awful language?" the Mother Superior asks.
              Answered the nun: "Well, I was golfing and hit this fabulous drive that looked like it was going to go 280 yards, but it struck a phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground only 100 yards from the tee."
              "Is that when you cursed?"
              "No, Mother Superior," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
              "Is that when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior.
              "Well, no," says the nun. "As the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
              "Is that when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
              "No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
              "Did you swear then?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
              "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."
              The two nuns were silent for a moment.
              Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the &!#&%#%! putt, didn't you?"

              Comment


              • #8
                A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash." The granddaughter, about to be rich, says, "Oh my, goodness Granny, you are so generous. I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, her granny whispered, "Facebook..."

                Comment


                • #9
                  3 surgeons are talking....

                  Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
                  The first surgeon said, "Electricians are the best, everything inside is color coded." The second surgeon says, "No, I think librarians are, everything inside them is in alphabetical order"..
                  The third surgeon shut them up when he said: "You're all wrong, politicians are the easiest to operate on, there's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, plus, the head and the *** are interchangeable!!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Tried to post a joke pic. Did not work. Please delete!


                    Comment


                    • #11
                      How I learned to mind my own business.

                      I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
                      And all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'

                      The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
                      Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see
                      What was going on.....

                      Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!

                      Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        EW HAT

                        An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship‚ holding her hat on tightly so that it wouldn't blow off in the wind.

                        A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me‚ madam. I do not intend to be forward‚ but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

                        "Yes‚ I know‚" said the lady‚ "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

                        "But‚ madam‚ you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

                        The woman looked down‚ then back up at the man and replied‚ "Sir‚ anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          There was a knock on the door last week.

                          I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said:

                          "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."

                          So I said "Come in and sit down."

                          I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked "What do you want to talk about?"

                          He said, "Beats the crap out of me,

                          I've never gotten this far before

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            NEW HAT

                            An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship‚ holding her hat on tightly so that it wouldn't blow off in the wind.
                            A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me‚ madam. I do not intend to be forward‚ but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
                            "Yes‚ I know‚" said the lady‚ "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
                            "But‚ madam‚ you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
                            The woman looked down‚ then back up at the man and replied‚ "Sir‚ anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash." The granddaughter, about to be rich, says, "Oh my, goodness Granny, you are so generous. I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"
                              With her last breath, her granny whispered, "Facebook..."

                              Comment

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